Untitled

I'm tired..Jesus Christ I'm so damn tired to act like this. To act like we are a stranger, to act like we are an enemy, we are not talk to each other. I don't know what should I do. What supposed to do. I'm in silent because I won't make somebody feel uncomfortable again when I'm at beside them. I'm in silent, doesn't mean I don't care about you anymore, doesn't mean I hate you, doesn't mean I won't be your friend anymore. No, I don't have thoughts like that. I know it's hard, too hard especially for me. It's like we live in diorama. You and me just keep silent, act like there's nothing happen, but honestly, from the deepest of my heart. I miss us. So much. I miss when we sharing our story, I miss when we do something stupid together, I miss when we hang out together, I miss our togetherness, I miss our memories. I miss everything about us. Damn, I'm so freakin' missing the old us. But, what can I do? You act like you don't care about me anymore, you act like you won't keep our friendship, you act like you don't need me anymore, you act like you hate me so much, you act like you didn't give me another chance to fix my mistakes, you act so cold to me. Don't you know it's make me so hurt to see you like that. Yeah, you still can see me smiling when we meet, you still can see me laughing with others. But, don't you know, when I'm alone at home, I always thinking of you, thinking everything what I've done to you, thinking why we can be like this, thinking and flashback our sweet memories when we together, thinking what can I do to make you feel comfort when I'm near you again, when it's all in my mind, I can't stand myself again, it's hurting me a lot, I'm hopeless, I'm not strong enough to handle all of this, and in the end I just can crying along night.

 

Honestly, I lost my hope to you, I'm tired, I'm down, I'm too sad, I'm stress, I'm out of my mind, I don't know what can I do to make everything fine again. Everyday I pray and kneel to God for our friendship, I ask God to help me to fix all of this. I ask God to always strenghten me to face this storm. I'm weak without God, I'm strong because He always give me spirit, always give me hope for tomorrow. I know He will make a way, maybe I just need to be patient. He will heal my pain and replace my sorrow in the right time, maybe not now, but I do believe everything has right time especially in God's time. And I saw a powerful quotes yesterday, "God's plan always the best. Sometimes the process is painful and hard. But, don't forget that when God is silent,  He's doing something for you". I just can say Amen when I read it and really really lean on the God side.

I know, maybe I lost my hope for you, I'm tired and sick of everything. But, I won't give up on us. Same as like Jason Mraz's song. Yeah, you can feel my spirit on that song. The lyrics explain my condition to you, what I feel and what I'm gonna do to you. "I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough I'm giving you all my love I'm still looking up. I won't give up on us, God knows I'm tough enough. We've got a lot to learn, God knows we worth it". Yeah, I won't give up to keep our friendship. I won't give up to fight for you. I won't give up easily. Maybe not now we can be together again. Maybe you and me still need  time to mind our business individually. But, I do believe, God will make us unite again, in His way, in His time. I'm sorry for all my mistakes to you, I know you disappointed because of me, I know you mad to me, I know you lost your trust for me. But, once again, from the deepest of my heart I apologize for all of my mistakes, for all what I've done to you, for all my selfish act, childish act. I just won't we like this, act like a stranger to each other. I'm not strong enough if you act like that to me. I want fix all and make it right again, can we started it all from zero again? Forget the past and started everything from the beginning again? can we? :') 

I'm here, still remember my promises to you. 

I'm here, still remember our sweet memories.

I'm here, still hope the best for our friendship.

I'm here, still love and care to you just the way you are. 

I'm here, to fix all of my mistakes.

I'm here, to make everything fine again.

I'm here, always be there when you need me. 

And...I'm here, still patiently waiting for your truly forgiveness for me.  

Patiently waiting for another chance from you.

And you are still my bestfriend. Forever and ever. 

If we can back like we used to be. I will blame myself forever because make you leave me so far away from me..

I'm sorry for everything, 

I know, I'm not your good enough bestfriend..

So sorry....

*Maaf kalo Bahasa Inggrisnya masih banyak yang salah, ini tulisan spontan yang gue kemarin tulis di binder waktu masih kuliah. Semua mengalir begitu saja sehingga menjadi rangkaian kata kayak gini. Berharap yang terbaik untuk semuanya. Gue kangen. Kangen banget.......*